Just Breathe

I'm really not as depressing as you may think. Reading my old blogs let me realize that I was definetly having some issues. haha. Thankfully most of them have been wrinkled out.  You know, everyday I change. Actually, every minute a change. I'm still the same person, I just think I'm more mature.

Recently, a friend told me that I wasn't funny  anymore. And it's weird that that has stuck with me, but is has because i still can't decide if i should take that as a compliment or an insult. I mean I guess he's basically right, but i hadn't realized it until he said something. I know i'm more serious than most people my age about a lot of things, but i've always had these thoughts, i guess i just haven't expressed them.

But let me be a little immature for a few minutes here, I like someone. It's c.c. and I told him. Can you believe it? I actually told the man I liked him. It took basically everything in me to say it and all I get is an, "ok". haha. I'm glad I told him though. I really am, because I would be just tearing myself up right now if I hadn't called him today. Tomorrow I will call him, oh yes, I'm not just letting him get away with a response like that. ;)

I didn't get it.

I wish that I knew everything I know now, without having to experience it. I wish I knew the mistakes to not make and the ones that would count. I don't even think that I believe that everything happens for a reason anymore. Nothing has meaning in my life, I just wish that things would make sense, or make me happy. I hate how the world is, and how it works. I wish that things came more easily to me and that I wasn't such a thinker. I know that the things we do make us who we are.....but I don't want to be me. I wish that I didn't have to wish, and that things just happened and I didn't have to worry about anything.

I've realized that I can't please everyone and that no one can make me happy. It just sucks you know? The waiting. Waiting for life to "get better" or for me to "grow up". It like you hear people tell you life is so short....but I can't really do anything about that, because I'm waiting to grow up and then I can experience things. I have to wait till I'm done being miserable till I can find some happiness. I wish that it was easier to find happiness. I wish that the happiness you had never went away. But it does. It always does.

I think the world is sad. Everyone is so sad. I know that we should look on the bright side, but you can't ignore the problems. There are just so many problems, problems that should never have occured. It's scary really, the way in which the world is evolving.

Maybe it's the way that I interpret things is the reason why I don't understand anything. Maybe I should try to have a different outlook on situations.

I hate no having the things that I want, and I hate being so god damn selfish. I wish that I could cut again. I really, really want to. Honestly, right now. But I'm not going to do that. I think that I've gotten to far to just fall back to that. I mean, I wish that I didn't even think about anymore, but for some reason, right now, I just did.

I always say that I need to talk to someone about my problems and stuff.....but I have been telling people in the wrong way, and I'm being rude, and I'm not thinking, and I'm just letting myseld go pretty much. I can't do that. I don't even know why I'm doing it though, or I don't even realize what I'm doing until after it happens. I guess it's all apart of the learning from our mistakes speech, but I keep making the same mistake. Which is bad....obviously.

I miss Peter, but I guess I can't dwell in the past. It was the past. Him being there for me. Me telling him pretty much everything, when and where it happened. It was a hard time in my life and he helped me through it, and now he's the hard time and someone else is helping me through that. Not that it's all about him, partly stupid things I've done or said. And also just crap, crap going on in my life. I really do miss him though, with all my heart. 

I want to move one. Literally and figuratively. I just can't stay in one place for so long, I get tired of it and I can't let go. I want to leave, and I want to stay with the people who care about me and that I care about, but I can't. I have to decide things for me and not worry about other people. But then I think that that is being selfish and I begin to write in here about how selfish I am, and it's a never ending cycle or this.

I wish I was smart. I wish that I could do everything too. I have so many things I want to be and do when I get out of HS, but I'm betting that I won't even be able to accomplish half of them. Which is sad, but I'm sure it happens to all of us.

I feel like someone is hiding something from me, like they're gonna say, "Just kidding, life isn't really like this." Because I just don't understand.......I don't understand anything.

I'm sitting her making myself even more sad just because I can't talk to him. I just anticipate it, and anticipate it, and then nothing. And it's probably because I can never say anything....and I wish I could, really, I wish that I could talk to him they way I see it all in my mind. And it is just him. For some reason, I just really want him to be apart of my life. And it's not weird exactly, it's just like I need a Peter. I really do, and he was the first oen there after Peter left so I just would like to stay with him and not have a different guy to talk to. I wish it wasn't as awkward as I think that I make it. It shouldn't be awkward....I'm just talking. But when I talk, nothing just flows, like it doesn't make sense, and I have this STUPID thought that h actually cares about me. And I want him to care about me. I NEED him to care about me. Even crying would be better then this false whatever, that I'm acting like. I guess I'll have to sit down and think about what I'm going to say since it seems like I can't think on the spot. I feel so weighed down with thoughts. I'd just like one person to know everything, someone else witnessing my life so it doesn't seem like I'm so alone.

    Well....first off I'm trying to not think about Peter's move as much until he actually moves which is in 2 weeks, I believe. I mean it hit me once, the time Zach told me, and then I slowly got over it since it wasn't definite. Then Peter himself told the guard, and it about broke my heart, and now I'm slowly trying to deal with it again. The first time, I thought that I did get over it, and that when he told us, I wouldn't cry. I had Mr. Halac to talk to, so I thought that I would be okay. Well, I did cry, and I don't have Mr. Halac to talk to. In 2 weeks, I'm sure I will be crushed yet again and have to face it once more and somehow,  just learn to deal.
   
    Another issue right now is Matt. I was so happy to finally feel happy. To feel like I had someone who felt the same way about me as I did them. But I don't think it's like that anymore. Of course I am only assuming this and I don't for sure know. I just wish he would be the more forward one and not me. I'm tired of assuming because It makes me worry about things that I don't necessarily need to worry about.

    Sometimes I wish that I would just stop and think before I say something or take a stand on something. I just don't want to make a mistake in anything that I do. I want to be right. Not in the sense that I want to be all-knowing, i just don't want to say something or do something that I don't mean. But there is this quote that I recently found, that I LOVE. It says, "Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field, I'll meet you there.
 

Peter, peter, peter, peter. He is moving to Chicago. 3 hours away. I can't take it. I told myself that I would be okay, and I thought that I prepared myself, I thought that I had moved on. But, no. I don't know what to say. I really want to talk to Peter.

 I wish that I felt different, but I don't.

I still feel worthless and dumb. I still feel like I have to rely on other people to make me happy. And that's really selfish....why should they have to be there for me? No one owes me anything.

I wish that I didn't start off another year like that. I made a list of resolutions that I'll probably break. I tried to have a different outlook on life, that lasted for about a week.

I really just don't want to be me. I hate the way I look and act and talk. I just feel so gross.

Oh well, someone will make me feel better and then I'll do something wrong and feel like an idiot again, and the cycle continues.

There just HAS to be more to this.

 I hate the holidays. I hate being home. I hate thinking. Honestly, when I'm not staying busy I get so damn depressed. It kind of sucks. I just need to talk because I know that that will make me feel better, or at least in most cases it does. I just really want someone. I feel so alone. I'm tired of being me, I want to change....it just sucks. Like I feel like I can't do things in fear that I'll get sad and ruin it for myself. 

Example 1: Going out with Matt - I did exactly what I didn't want to do and was told not to do, I obsessed about thinking he was gay and the night ended up being ruined, me being upset, me bing hurt, and him probably being hurt as well.

Example 2: Guard - Why can't I let it be my release? Everytime I get upset. Doesn't matter what happens, I just always manage to have a crappy time.

Example 3: My life - I won't allow myself to let go of things and people.

Sigh......And I just start talking to Mr. Halac because he seems like a nice guy and I think I relate to him....."That's weird", "He's going to get in trouble for that." What the hell? I'm TALKING to the guy. Jeeeeez, I just can't believe people. I hate this world. I hate this place. Nothing is fair, nothing is easy, nothing ever goes right, nothing is nothing.

It just sucks because nothing ever changes. I can talk about it, I can write about it, but it won't ever change! What's the point in life? I'm just fed up with this lousy, sucky, crap life that my parents have set up for me.

Right now, all I have is hope.

 I really want to find the good in people. I really want to believe that everyone has some good in them, but everyday it gets harder and harder for me to see it in certain people. I just don't understand why things can't be the way they are supposed to be. And not just in my life, but in the world. Like, the world is so messed up, and we know what is messed up and we can fix it, but people don't or won't or just don't give a damn. I think that's sad. I think that war and poverty and sadness could go away, but people don't want it to. People want everything for themselves. Not everyone, but the majority ruin it for the rest of us. Life is so sad. I want life to be happy.

Not even that big of a deal, yet I have to be me so in turn it is a big deal.

Need to speak up. really, really do.

Alone? yes. no. my own problem.

Crying.....

Wasting my life being sad and overthinking. I wish I could be normal.

Not being myself. Who am I?

Big hypocrite. Yes.

Want to disappear.

to find a new crowd of people. Okay yeah, my color guard friends have been there for me the longest, but some of them just arn't the best. But don't get me wrong, I could never imagine ever losing some of them as friends. Some I know we will be friends for life...other, meh. That's okay though. I mean it's not the end, just a moment of change. I've always said that I don't like change, but change is inevitable. I'm changing right now, so I might as well embrace it.

I'm over thinking that I am seriouslu depressed. Of course I have my moments of doubt and pain....but I always find someone to pick me back up again. I don't regret or wish that I could change any of my past problems either, because I wouldn't have met the people that I have met without that.

I've never really had the family that I've wanted. Or, more I didn't think I had the family that I wanted. Yes, I still say that I don't like my parents, I can still never talk to them about things and they seem to not really care about things that I care about. But, my cousin Lindsey is pretty amazing and I'm glad that I'm part of her family, we were real close when we were little and didn't talk for a few years, this thanksgiving she came over and we talked about everything, she told me everything and I told her everything, and it's weird that so much time passed and so much stuff happened to us both, and we didn't even talk about. I think in some families they try to keep things quiet, if you don't like one of your relatives you just grin and bare it, or if something happens, you might not necessarily want one of them to know, but I think that's silly. Just because they arn't your immediate family doesn't mean they can't be close to you.

I am starting to believe that everything does happen for a reason. Okay, I agree that some things in life we can't explain or we don't understand why it's happening. But in most cases you learn a lesson from the things you can't explain or from the things that are hard to understand at the moment.

I want out of this town. I think that there are bigger and better things waiting for me out in the real world. I hate living in this bubble we call Fishers. I think maybe one of the biggest reasons I'm thinking this is because Peter could be moving. I don't know why I seem to make my world revolve around him....he has been a great influence and a great role model in my life and I might just be too afraid to let him go. But, I'm going to have to because it's not my choice. And if he does leave, I'll have to deal with that when it comes. I'm trying to deal with it now, which is not good because I can't control it and it might not even happen.

I've been thinking about space an awful lot. I love to just stare at the moon and the stars and know that that makes me connected to so many people. There is no way I could possibly ever be alone.

I wish I knew all the answers and I wish that I could pick the people in my life, but I don't think you can control that for a reason. The people who come into our lives help us to be who we truly are.

Nothing of me is original. I am the combined efforts of everyone I've ever known.

 So, I've come to the realization that I think I do have a problem. And talking to Lindsey helped me sort of realize that I think.....it's hard for me to admitt something like that because I've always told myself that it's bad to take pills so you're happy and that you're not supposed to feel happy all the time, but maybe I really do have a problem. I can't do anything about it if I do because I don't want to tell my parents that I want to see a therapist or that I want to get depression medicine. I hate my parents, I really do and it makes me even more mad that they don't care, they want to pretend that I don't have a problem, when I think they see that it is there. My moods will switch gradually...but still I don't think that it's normal to feel real happy and optimistic and mabe 30 minutes later to feel depressed for no reason. Maybe one of the reasons is that I worry..constantly, about everything...things that I can control, things that I can't, things that I should, and things that I shouldn't. Maybe I have an anxiety problem. Maybe I don't even have a problem.....who knows? I just want to be happy and feel normal and not feel like I don't have a purpose. And all of that....I can control that, I'm supposed to control how I feel and think and act and sometimes I feel like I can't..a lot of the times I feel like I can't. And I feel stupid if I say somethign wrong or if I don't know the answer. And I'm so emotional and I hate that. Take anything and I'll cry about it, and that is the one thing that I can't stand about myself is that I cry about everything! And I really can't control it, like i'll cry after watching a movie or reading a book or listening to music or just anything! And I don't want to be like that and I don't understand why I can't  control it...am I the only one who can't control it? I feel like I want to get out of this town...away from these people and see if everything is just the same as it is here.....I don't necessarily feel alone....its just it seems like everyone gives up on me and you know...I probably would give up on me too.....but I've tried that and some one saved me.

 So, i definetly hate life right now and think it's unfair. i have to work on freaking friday, which is a day we were going to paint the tarp. I actually wish we had school friday. This is ridiculous. I have to work from 10am till 7pm. that's bull shit. it pisses me the hell off. i dont get any money from this freaking job either because I have to pay for winter guard. Ughhhh! I hate my life, my parents are idiots and it's just not fair! i cant even get good grades anymore because im constantely tired from working till 10 on fucking school nights! this is ridiculous. i worked 2 weeks and made 70 dollars. guess how much i got? 20 fucking dollars. im just gonna quit....everything. what's the fucking point anyway?

I'm thinking. How did the world turn out to be the way it is right now? I like talking, i like letting people know who I am. I need some help in figuring that out, but i want my friends to be there for me. i want to change the world. i don't want this world for kids that i have in the future. (if that happens). i wish that i could decide what i want. i like dreaming about the future because its better than reality. i want someone to understand me, someone to talk to, and that talks to me. And there is no awkwardness. it's just me.

 

 I don't want to live this life anymore.

Ahh, jeez. My new favorite song explains me so well at the moment.
 
Slow me down by Emmy Rossum.



rushing and racing and running in circles
moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
getting nowhere

my head and my heart are colliding chaotic
pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

save me
somebody take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don't let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I'm ready to fall

slow me down
don't let me live a lie
before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

sometimes I fear that I might disappear
in the blur of fast forward I falter again
forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere


all that I've missed I see in the reflection
pass me while I wasn't paying attention
tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

tell me
oh won't you take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don't let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I'm ready to fall

slow me down
don't let me live a lie
before my life flies by
i need you to slow me down

just show me
i need you to slow me down
slow me down
slow me down

the noise of the world is getting me caught up
chasing the clock and i wish i could stop it
just need to breathe
somebody please
slow me down

So, I made the main weapon line. Is he doing this because he knows my life sucks and wants me to be happy, or is this really because I'm good. I don't even want to think about it...so nevermind.

I want to disappear, escape from this hell.
Hell? yes, my own hell. It seems to get worse everyday.
No matter what I do or say.
It's never right.
it's never what they want to hear.
It's never good enough for them.
Good enough? yes, I'm not enough,
Not enough this, not enough that. 
Just not enough and I will never live up to your expectations.
Not unless you just give me a break,
or let me speak my mind.
Until then, hell, will be my home.

I  guess it's time to go back into my shell. I don't understand. The only way to get people to notice me is if I'm shy and don't say anything. Why can't I be open and not say the wrong thing....why do I suck at life? Everything I do turns into a mistake. I just wish it didn't have to be like that. I don't want to be like that, I want to be me and not be afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I have to act like that.....I mean I see no other way to...what's the word...survive?

Does everyone deserve to be happy? Is that a...right? I don't think I deserve it. I don't know why I continuously screw stuff up....hmmm......how do I judge what's right and what's wrong? I don't really have a parent to do that for me...

Dr. Phil said that kids would rather be from a broken home then in one. He's referring to parents getting divorced. But I don't really think Dr. Phil can judge that. Okay he's a "doctor" but has he lived through that situation. What if it ends up being both? From and in a broken home. Hmmm. I'm pretty stupid. I'll just stop talking now.